Sometimes, however, life bowls you a googly that requires some nifty footwork to deal with. One of those moments just occurred as I returned home from the school walk. A "we tried to deliver ...." card had been pushed through the letter box with "over the gate" written as a clue to its current location. Assuming it was yet another package for my wife I noticed with some surprise it was addressed to me. Oooh, I thought, something nice I must have ordered and completely forgotten about - not a rare occurrence these days. All excited, I ripped open the parcel and total confusion as to what it might be quickly gave way to slight amusement and shock when I realised what it was, which in turn gave way to complete horror when I realised the consequences of what it meant.
There in front of me was a clear plastic bag about 8 inches long full of a slightly opaque liquid with "Braun" printed on it. Something to do with shaving - that's what Braun do, right? - I pondered, totally puzzled. A new balm perhaps? I looked for some information and found a leaflet which had the word enema written in bold across the top. At this point, my mind now in total denial, had a wonderful conversation with itself,
"Enema? That's something to do with women giving birth."
"No, no, no, that's epidural."
"Enema......, enema....., I've heard of that. Ah, got it - Irish singer, popular in the late 80's."
"No, that's Enya. Try again"
"Enema......, enemaaaa....., enem...... oh mother of all things that are good, please say it isn't"
A full read of the enclosed leaflet revealed the brutal truth and the memory of that letter from last month, that I had safely and happily forgotten about, came roaring back into focus with all the energy of a seven year old ripping into their presents at quarter past 4 on Christmas morning.I have an appointment in two weeks for bowel scope screening which is a good thing. Apparently. Even if the NHS seem overly delighted in pointing out that it is only necessary as I am now 55. Ageist or what? The enema is to be performed an hour before I go which makes sense but surely the whole thing would be more accurately performed by an x-ray. Or a CT scan. Or an MRI. Night vision goggles perhaps?
The mother of my two children mentioned, after she had stopped laughing, something about giving birth, smear tests, fuss about nothing and being a bigger baby than the 5 year old. What does she know?
So there it is, my weekend ruined and my last two weeks as a virgin have started.
There is nothing else to do but realise how lucky I am to have a fantastic family and a free health service that not only offers these amazing services but also informs you when they are needed. I don't know about you, but I feel great and I am going out to play.
Bowel cancer
